A few years ago, three in fact, I had a dog named Autumn, and had her for around twelve years, until I lost her one month after I lost my daughter. However, this article is not about that Autumn, but about the fall of the year autumn. Recently I saw the question ‘What do you want to do this autumn’? I have been thinking about that question quite a lot. What I had wanted to do and what I was able to do were two completely different things. When I hurt my knee in August, that was the beginning of the end of autumn for me, and I didn’t even know it. The son that I lost in May had planned to show me and teach me a lot of things, things which even after he died, I wanted to do, for him, because he was so happy the few months he lived here with me.
One of the things Jeff had wanted to teach me was how to take good photographs of sunsets, and I am struggling through it by myself now, the best I can with a hurt knee. However, the biggest thing that I had wanted to do was to find Castlewood State Park and hike to the top, the way Jeff was going to take me. I wanted to get to the top when the leaves were in full color, but that was knocked out until after my surgery on my knee and until it is healed. That was very disappointing to me.
Another thing I had wanted to do, especially since I bought a membership to the Missouri Botanical Gardens, was to go there several times during the summer and autumn and take pictures of the different flowers in bloom. Again, that was delayed.
Going to Six Flags with my middle son and his family was something I had planned on doing since early spring and we had planned on doing it in September, well, they went last weekend without me. Going to the zoo was also out. The only thing that I have been at least halfway able to do is enjoy a very small area of Forest Park because I can park close enough to not have to walk very far at the Boat House, and can sit and enjoy the view and people, or read or write or get involved in conversations with the people around me, or take pictures, but then there is also the combination of all of these things that I could do, and I’ve learned how to get lost leaving there and not panicking so much.
The little country town where I grew up always has a fall festival and craft show the last weekend in September and I have never gone My uncle’s feed mill has been restored and is now a historical site and I would have liked to have gone through it again. I also had hopes that I would be able to get Jeff’s monument at his gravesite this fall, but that isn’t happening yet, either.
It may seem like autumn for me this year has been a big disappointment, and, yes, it has been. But then on the other hand, I have an excuse for my messy house and being behind on my laundry, since I am supposed to stay off my leg as much as possible. With being in the recliner so much, I have started reading again, something that I used to love to do, but haven’t done much since the kids were younger. I’ve turned off the television almost completely, because to me, there just doesn’t seem to be much on to watch or at least not that I am interested in. I’m enjoying my two dogs more. I’ve worked on my blogging site and added a lot more posts and I’ve worked on a website but am not sure I will continue with it or not. I can post everything here on the blogging site that I can on the website, but it was something to do at a time when I needed something new and different to do. I’m learning what it feels like to sit back and relax.
I’ve renewed my friendships of some women that I haven’t been in communication with for years. I’m learning to line dance and making new friends through that. I’ve become more familiar with Facebook and have renewed friendships with those that had moved away, and directors at some of the campuses from work are reading my blogging. I know I have readers not only here in Missouri, but in Arizona, Texas, Arkansas, Tennessee and Kentucky and maybe more states, I am not sure. I have started using my laptop which I really hadn’t used since Mom passed away. I’ve been getting my nails done as well as learning to wear contacts, and am back into wearing eye makeup and perfume. (Now if I can just get back into heels again!) I was able to go to the Flashlight Vigil for those who have lost friends and loved ones to heroin, and met some people I have been in touch with only by Facebook or telephone. I actually drove downtown for that event and that was a major accomplishment for me. I have become lost the last two out of three times that I have been to Forest Park, causing me to discover that I have a gps system on my cell phone. I’ve learned red velvet cake ice cream is fantastic! And even though I must have the knee surgery next week, I will be off work for one week and probably need the time off anyway just to catch up with myself from burning the candle at both ends. And one of the big things for me, is that I am still in therapy and trying to work through all the things that have happened in my life the past several years, and also starting to become my own person as well as trying to change my life because I have to find out what the new ‘normal’ is for me without five children at my family functions or physically in my life.
I am sure the list could go on and on and on, but there just isn’t enough time to do that, plus, you would get tired of reading about it. So, for me, even though my autumn has not been anything like I wanted it to be, it was not a total waste, like I thought it was. I just have to start naming the things that have happened versus what I had wanted to happen.
I’d better sign off, proof this, and do some reading while I eat some ice cream! countrygirl29
Nice reframe, goes to show us that if we open our eyes and slow down, we have many
things near us to be greatful for !
Thank for the relaxing posts !
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Jon, thank you so much for your comment and encouragment. May I continue to find more things like this to write about, and less about the last few years. Thank you again.
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