I am so glad that tonight is almost over, it has been one of the loneliest Sundays, or days, that I have had for a long time. I have almost made it through the day and evening, but sometimes I wondered if I would or not. There is just so much going through my head, so much pain and hurt, so many memories, both good and not so good. I wish I could use today, Easter 2014, to start a new beginning, a new phase, a new chapter in my life and a chapter that is not filled with as much sorrow as my last several years have been.
I thought when I moved from one job at the university where I worked to another job last August, that would be a new beginning for me. Little did I realize it was going to be, but not the new beginning that I had expected and hoped for. That new beginning was pretty much, in my eyes, and those around me, a forced retirement five months after getting into the last department where I worked, and I loved working there. I had hoped that new beginning was stepping out in faith that my life would settle down into a new normal and that my sadness would be finding a way to move over or out of my life, but it just didn’t work that way.
My hopes for the future have not really shown themselves to me yet, I have no idea what my future holds for me, but this week has been one of those weeks where I feel like I haven’t even had time to breathe, much less find time for myself. The strange thing, though, in saying that, is the truth of the matter, I have had time to do cleaning and to get outside, but I have not taken advantage of it, I just don’t want to do it.
I know I shouldn’t have done it, but today has been one of those days where I know I am eating the wrong things, but it’s my way of comforting myself in my life’s trials for today. Hopefully I will be back on track tomorrow for watching what I eat. But for today, I still have some instant potatoes setting on the cabinet that keep calling my name.
My plans right now for the rest of the evening are to eat the potatoes, stay up all night and do some cleaning and maybe do some typing for my work, too, while I’m up.
I think I have finally got Windows 8.1 and Microsoft Word 365 up and going now, but I just have to get used to the way it is formatted.
Now that I know the lawnmower starts, maybe I will get outside and try to mow part of the yard, it’s looking pretty shabby since it’s not been done this year yet. The tall clumps of grass and weeds reminds me of when my kids were little and I liked the tall clumps to hide the Easter eggs in, and then, my mind goes back to when I was growing up and we had some wild flowers, dew drops, I believe, that grew next to the house and bloomed about Easter time, and that was one of my favorite spots for hiding eggs. The little white flowers were so pretty, I still remember them, they reminded me of a star because of the shape of them.
Going to go get some more ice water and mashed potatoes! I would say good night, but two things, number one, it has not been a good day for me, much less a good night for me, and, second, I don’t plan to go to bed for several hours yet.
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