I’m here again, and I don’t want to be here or anywhere else. I don’t want to get up or do anything. I have to, though, starting with a shower and a shampoo. I don’t want to go in to work this morning, or meet for breakfast, or meet a coworker at 11:30, or go to the Holiday Remembrance at the funeral home this afternoon, I don’t want to do anything. I guess I’m here at the computer because I can talk to it and can tell it my true feelings, and, I guess since it is an inanimate object, it can’t get upset with me for writing my true feelings.
Why do I care about putting a tree up, and getting some of this furniture out of here and getting things straightened up? No one else cares, at least not enough to help me. Since I cleaned up the living room a few weeks ago, it hasn’t even been vacuumed since then because i haven’t done it.
I don’t want to do anything today except stay in bed. I miss my mom, my kids and my friends, some of whom have died and some of whom just turned and walked away from me. I wasn’t worth them keeping me in their lives as a friend. I just don’t feel like I have any family or friends left who care about me. I’ve even emailed and texted to my counselor a few times, and he had told me in the past that was fine to do, and if he wanted to respond he would and if he didn’t want to answer, he wouldn’t, so I guess I am at the ‘wouldn’t stage’ stage so I might as well give up on that friendship, too. I guess that I really already have. It’s after seven and I want to go back to sleep. With my luck, my computer will crash and then I won’t even have it to talk to.
I have been trying to talk myself into making some candy this weekend, but I don’t really know why, nothing is the same anymore, not for any of my family. If I don’t go to work this morning, but wait until after I have my breakfast, maybe I can move the entertainment center out of the living room and get the tree put up and drag the table into the kitchen and get the legs put on it and get it set up. Maybe if I get up and take my medicine I can get some energy to do something.
I’m sorry that I am crying on your shoulder again, but I need to be able to have someone, and I’m crying now and I cried myself to sleep and cried off and on during the night. I want someone who can share my pain with me and just hold me and let me cry and cry and cry, and I don’t have that since I lost my friends. It seems like my grief is just consuming me. How can I come out of htis? I don’t like it, but I can’t help it, either.
I’m going to go take my medicine and then sit here for a while and hope it kicks in and helps me. I know I will be back later today. countrygirl29
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