It’s been a while since I have posted, so I guess I should, even if I don’t really feel like it or want to. I am a little weak and shaky because my blood sugar dropped, and I realized I had not eaten anything since 9:30 this morning when I met by breakfast friend at Panera’s. While we were talking, I said that I hadn’t done Thanksgiving since I lost both Jennifer and Jeff, Jeff was the last one to go and I haven’t been able to do a Thanksgiving since losing him. My inner self is in turmoil and struggling, half of me against the other half of me. I actually voiced the words out loud to her instead of just in my mind. I told her I just couldn’t find something to be thankful for, I’ve lost two children and as soon as I said it, the other half of me reminded me kind of like, what do you mean, you have three other children who are alive, they may not be doing well, but they are alive, and my youngest son now has a girlfriend, and I have eight grandchildren to be thankful for, and I know God wouldn’t want me to think that way.
Thanksgiving Day I got up early, when the alarm went off and since I couldn’t go back to sleep, I sat in my recliner and worked and things for my part-time job, for about four hours. I had put a small turkey in the oven that we had brought back from my brothers’ house in December. It turned we could eat a little of it, but it was freezer burned and most of it just didn’t taste right, but it doesn’t know how long he has had the turkey. I fixed a large sweet potato and some mashed potatoes, and some dressing, which we couldn’t eat, because I had not planned on fixing anything so I wheat bread, it was the only thing I had in the house to make dressing out of, and I will tell you very honestly, don’t ever make dressing out of wheat bread! My brother was polite enough to eat his before I sat down, because I wasn’t hungry yet. When I tasted it, though, it was horrible! And, yes, we through it away. I also fixed deviled eggs and tried something different, and they turned out a disaster, too. Don’t ever use spicy brown mustard instead of regular mustard, My brother did like them, though, and ate most of them. That didn’t help my mood very much, because I used to be a good cook, and my brother started telling me how he and Mom fixed this and that, and it just made me feel worse.
I sat in my recliner most of the day on Thanksgiving Day, and did a lot of crying and just wanted things to be like they used to be, but Jennifer and Jeff not sick. I felt very lonely, and my brother was in his room either sleeping or listening to his records. That didn’t set a good atmosphere, either, because he was listening to songs like When we All Get to Heaven, and When the Roll is Called up Yonder and a lot of other songs that were talking about heaven. I knew what he was doing, he was thinking about Mom and how he wants to be with her. The subject never came up, but I know him well enough to know that is what he was thinking about. I got up frequently and checked on the food I was cooking. I also got on Facebook for a short time, but only cleaned out my friends list and unfriended a lot of people who I didn’t even know, a lot of them were in connection with the Anti-Heroin Rallies, but since I am not really a part of them anymore, I just unfriended them so that I wouldn’t see so pictures of and comments of the rallies, because it just hurts that I somehow, I guess due to my knee surgery, and having to miss so many rallies, I just felt like I was no longer a part of them, and was needed. Someone else was taking photos to post, and I don’t know if anyone is writing about them or not, I really haven’t gone to the website for quite some time, because I am no longer a part of the group. I guess it just wasn’t meant for me to do that for very long, but what can I do now to give me a purpose, I don’t do that anymore and I don’t do line dancing lessons any more, in fact, I emailed the instructor this weekend and told her to take my name of the email list about the activities. It’s strange, before my knee surgery, the line dancing seemed to keep me going and gave me a purpose, and then, after losing Jeff, doing the writing and pictures of the Anti-Heroin Rallies gave me a purpose in life, and something that I enjoyed doing, my creativity seemed to be coming back. Now the only thing that I am trying to do, is reading some, but that is all. I guess I am at a point where my interests just aren’t here with me yet.
I was trying to keep from crying this morning when I went to meet my breakfast pal. I told her I wasn’t sure why I was starting to cry, and I wasn’t sure. But right now, I am trying to keep from crying because I feel like when my counseling is over, my counselor and I won’t have any contact with each other unless I need to set up an appointment and go in to talk to him for some reason. He has told me he won’t leave me hanging, but I think it will be like the past several weeks, the contact has slowed down and most of the time it doesn’t even exist, and I’m just not ready for that and since I don’t have many friends, and need that contact, even now. It’s almost like security for me.
My breakfast pal told me she couldn’t get the vision of my daughter out of her mind, she got goosebumps when she read it, it was the post a few days ago about my daughter and my son, and some of the memories I have of them. That made me feel good, to know that my descriptive writing ability that God gave to me, is still there, I just wish I could do writing again, but most of my writing has been about trips to see my mom, and right now, I just can’t seem to focus on anything to write about.
I am going to close for now, I have the munchies and can’t seem to find anything to munch on, because I don’t buy ‘potato chips’ any more, so maybe I will go fix some popcorn. countrygirl29
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