You Just Never Know

You just never know how the day is going to turn out, the last few days have been really rough, feeling so alone and feeling like the counseling is not going to do any good anymore, and that I am like what I will be for the rest of my life.  I called this morning to cancel my counseling session and almost broke down in tears, so the lady told me to think it over and call her back in the afternoon if I still wanted to cancel.  I really didn’t think too much about it except for the same things I mentioned above.  I was afraid I would go into the office and just sit there and stare and have absolutely nothing to say and it would be embarrassing to me, and that the counselor and I would both wonder why I bothered to come at all, but it wasn’t that way.  I wound up talking most of the time about what I felt like and we talked about where I had come from in the last several months, and when he had first started seeing me and how much I had changed.  He found a picture of me taken only a few weeks before Jeff died, so it would probably have been in April and the picture then looked nothing like I do now.  My hair is now cut short, and I am wearing eye make-up, which I have never done before  and have started this week trying to wear contacts, which I have never even wanted to do before, and I have lost enough weight that you could tell it in the picture.  I still felt pretty numb when I left the office, and he told me to go home and rest instead of going in to my second job, and not to go home and mow the yard, so I did as he said, and found Rebecca weeding the front flower bed, I started to help but she said she would do it, and, she was finding it was a good stress reliever, and we talked for a while about her bad morning before I came into the house.

I had my dinner of a hot dog with no bread and some pork rinds and sour cream and plan to have some cool whip and fruit pretty soon.  I thought back over the day at work and about how many people had commented on how pretty my eyes were and how pretty I looked, an done lady said I should not be hiding them behind glasses.  I have been thinking a lot about what the counselor and I talked about, and it’s sinking in some, I hope, and he told me I have to learn to be patient.  ME? Be patient!!   Now that’s a laugh.  I want to be exactly in my counseling where I was before I  lost Jeff, and that’s just not going to happen over night.  I did finally do a little bit of practicing tonight of two of the line dances we did Monday night, and that’s a start.

The shots from yesterday seem to be working, I don’t have much pain in my neck and shoulders tonight.  I’m still sad tonight, but, again, there came a comment about my postings, and a sympathy card in the mail from the Bible Study class that I have visited one time.

I’ve been trying to get a new picture for my blogging business cards, and you get to help  choose one of the three on tonight’s slideshow, and, you can also say none of these!  It will be download, download2 or download3.

My goal for this week is to try to start writing back to those who have written to me, either by e-mail, Facebook or comments on my blogging site.  Better go, I think one of Jeff’s friends is coming in with Rebecca and I want to be able to talk with her for a while.  Keep those comments coming they mean a lot.  Enjoy your family, countrygirl29

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