Work or Home?

Okay, so I feel crappy (good thing I didn’t say like crap, because my oldest granddaughter says I cannot say that word, she can, but grandmas cannot and I told her that wasn’t fair) and am depressed and everything that goes with it, whatever that is.  I’ve been home for almost three hours and have not done a thing except sit in the recliner, eat my dinner, and think about how depressed I am, even my jaws hurt from the tension that I have.  Bet you would never guess what I had for dinner tonight!  You’re right, pork rinds and sour cream and a hot dog without the bread.  I know I will be hungry later on, but i just do not have an appetite and don’t care about eating. I think I would have been better off to have gone in to work tonight, since I haven’t done anything here except sit and cry.   Even as I sit here and massage the scar from the surgery for melanoma, tears fall.  I’ll try to get to a different subject for  a while.

I took only a ten minute walk today at lunch time since it was so hot.  I took a few pictures, but somehow the real beauty of them did not come through this time.  There is one cloud picture that looks like a teddy bear.  I couldn’t help but snap the ones of the cedar (or evergreen) bushes, some with the purplish-blue berries on them and some just plain, because as I walked along the hot parking lot,the scent of cedar drifted to my nostrils and made my mind go back to the farm where I grew up and the two huge cedar trees that were in the field and my brother and I played under those trees many a time.  Then, as I saw the mimosa blooms, I remembered a story a co-worker had told me that she always knew those as fairy trees because the flowers looked like little fairies.

Thank you to those who follow me and my blogging and take the time to comment, that does give me a lift and it also lets me know you are with me and for me, and hopefully enjoying reading and looking as much as I enjoy writing and do photography.  I told my counselor tonight that it is because of you that I have not just stopped writing and doing the photos, if I didn’t know you were following me, at this point in my life, I would have given up during the last couple of days.

Oh, my new DSL modem seems to be working!

My memory is so shot, there was something I needed to get at the store and I just cannot remember what it was, I have been scraping my brain now for several days trying to remember it.  I can feel myself getting to the point that I want to go shopping and that is dangerous these days.  I never did much shopping until I lost my daughter and now I can’t seem to stop.

I know I’m just rattling on and on, but I can’t help it, I am going through grieving and depression at the same time, and that’s not easy.  Have a good night and a better tomorrow, countrygirl29

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